what are they doing?

their best.

sometimes their best is getting out of bed and into the shower and then skipping the shower to sit on the roof and get drenched by the rain.

sometimes it’s plopping on the ancient stolen laptop slowly breaking down as they realize the world has cursed them from the get go and the one person there since the beginning tries to help but her words just don’t sink in, they’re like swords being handed over when a shield is what they wish they had.

and so, sometimes the best is simply to be.

and sometimes that’s okay.

because nobody asks for this. nobody asks to be passed over on a happy story, nobody asks for the war or the bullets or the yelling, nobody wants that, and somehow everyone gets it.

and sure, it won’t be like that forever, but that doesn’t change the fact it is like that now.

and it sucks.

it’s like being the hero of a dying game called life. where nobody makes it out alive.

so then the hero takes off their mask, and they’re just a little kid in the dark with too much free time on their hands.

and they have a good cry and consider eating pineapple pizza. but to not completely descend into madness they make ramen and feel numb.

and the numbness

doesn’t

go

away

for

an

hour

or

three

and it’s beep. beep. beep. you are still alive. you are still breathing. welcome, brave soul.

and that’s. that’s the best. not the best overall or ever. but not nothing either.

because then you just. get back up. and you play a song. and you watch a movie. and you talk to people. and you don’t feel alone. even though you are. and you think about a future where you can actively ignore people as a choice and therapy isn’t a pain to schedule. it may never happen but it’s a nice illusion to cling on to for a while.

but then it’s not an illusion. you just aren’t there yet.

and that’s okay.

because you will be. somehow. sometime. maybe you’ll have a pizza. maybe you’ll wear a mask and tell yourself “i can do this” and maybe it will hurt and maybe you’ll be strong and maybe you’ll be a hero, even if for a moment.

and

well

maybe it gets better than that

maybe

it gets better than this.

~mom always asked where did i go wrong, jo~

14 thoughts on “what are they doing?

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