the human being was not created for solidarity.
i’ve been thinking.
that’s usually a bad idea, but i’ve been thinking.
i have a whole house to think in now, one whose only constant resident is yours very insane and mentally stirred truly.
like for example, without you lovely people to talk to and read these carefully curated trashposts (this is the wall i’m ranting at, right) i’m essentially shouting into the void. and it feels like that during the gaps when my posts go unread and with no comments, kinda like a text message that doesn’t get seen til the next week. it’s scary, it’s like, “oh no, did they finally cross me off the face of the internet?” (which is bound to happen anytime soon. because. you know. me.)
and then i think about how stupid the idea of me being worried that my internet presence will no longer be missed. it’s silly, really. it’s an unfair standard to judge one’s life by. comments don’t make a blogger.
but man, it sure is nice talking to someone.
“aren’t you lonely?” people ask, eyeing me sip an iced tea/mango juice/ death potion of sugar, “being there, by yourself, no friends, no school?”
to which i usually go “but i have fAnFiCtIoN”
look, i lie, okay? i’m not that bad of a liar when i put my mind to it. i like to think i’m good at diffusing a situation by laughing whenever someone’s yelling. i like to think that i give off a vibe that just lets you know “yeah, she’s got this. she’s fine. she’s jo, she’ll live.”
i’ve lived with myself for so long i’m starting to detest my own company.
and i’ve lived with myself for… i don’t know, ever since i used to imagine myself in different worlds? idk, it’s been a while.
growing up i was desperate for attention, to belong to a group, to have the identity of being someone’s friend, of being with the cool kids, the cool group, someone, anyone. and i guess i played the role of a precocious, happy child so well i even started to believe it. bury the feelings of awkwardness and alienation deep down where nobody can see it. mind over matter. if you don’t mind it it doesn’t matter. right? right. totally.
now watch everyone’s taken aback expressions when they realize that, yikes, this kid isn’t the bubbly sweet girl we thought we knew.
watch everyone leave.
i wonder if the people i smiled so hard for even remember that i existed. i wonder if they just see the overachieving good girl of sunday school, or maybe have an inkling of the person i’ve become. maybe? i doubt it. oh well.
i’m good at being in the background. really good. i’m the side character in my story, and it’s like that no matter where i go. here’s jo, she’s just randomly here for no reason. let the main characters run off to their happy endings, i’ll be here, stuck at the plot twist.
but that wasn’t the point. i’m here, living predominantly alone, predominantly on my own, not tied down to a particular place or people or job or anything really. from one borrowed couch to another borrowed couch. not having a name for myself. not having a thing except for myself. i work and then i do school and then i try to help out and i try to be real and i try to make everyone laugh and i do all of these things,
and at the end of the day?
there’s nobody yelling at me not to slam the door, nobody tugging my top knot, nobody asking me how my day is, and there’s no crashing onto the couch watching dude perfect.
not that… you know, there’s literally nobody.
there’s just nobody for me. you know?
it’s okay, neither do i.
i’ve heard all the tired feelings single people talk about, but i mean, i fall into the peculiar position of being a child that needs human interaction that can’t readily walk up and get it. so. bwah. life is weird.
i get to blast my speakers, break out a newsies dance, bake biscuits at 3 pm for the fun of it, binge watch biology videos, bike past a trio of goats, and be back in time to write this useless post. freedom is fun. freedom is really fun. being alone lets you do a ton of cool things. because sometimes people are overrated.
there’s a certain thrill you get from realizing you have the house to yourself. from just going up and climbing a cliff without anyone shrieking at you to get your sorry self down from there, what are you, inSANE. there’s something cool about taking a camera and disappearing into a crowd of thousands. it’s one of the most amazing things to be in an airport at 8 pm, board a plane, curl up, and watch the world pass by in the almost sanity of your mind without someone interrupting it. it’s precious. it’s pure. it’s cool. to be able to be anonymous. without anyone’s impressions of you being based on who you’re with or who you are.
there’s a certain comfort in being unknown.
in everything there’s a season. i think.
maybe this is the season of going at it alone, y’know? learning how to get by and not lose your mind watching the stars come out. being able to say “yeah, i totally get it” when someone has a crisis about bingeing all of the office and feeling like it’s all they’ll ever do.
so i burn my biscuits. i work a late shift tonight. i have to watch extra khan academy videos to get this cursed concept into my brain. and it’s cool.
it’s lonely, but cool.
i just hope this season ends soon. maybe with a really cool finale. maybe with me getting the lead in my own story. and learning how to live with myself.
hopefully season two will bring in more relationships and people to be not-lonely with.
~oh no, i still don’t care about a love life, jo~