until i can’t think

red and white wall with graffiti

“Individuals with ADHD often become quickly immersed in one salient emotion and have problems shifting their focus to other aspects of a situation.”

“For many people with ADHD, the brain’s gating mechanism for regulating emotion does not distinguish between dangerous threats and more minor problems. These individuals are often  thrown into panic mode by thoughts or perceptions that do not warrant such a reaction. As a result, the ADHD brain can’t deal more rationally and realistically with events that are stressful.” – some article i found from ADDitude

“nothing is wrong. everything feels wrong. that’s what’s wrong.” on mental disorders (simple explanation), our favorite weez

well.

that doesn’t make this easier.

if anything, it could very well make this.

worse.

worse like groan a little and rock back and forth for an hour because it would’ve been nice to have known *before* all this happened. stare into the abyss and not imagine dragons waiting to take me away because i still have homework worse. scrolling through instagram and feeling overwhelmed worse. so much worse that it feels scary to address the worse because what if it gets worse

i’m trying the breathing exercises and they’re kinda helping, but they just make me feel dizzy and have a bit of a headache. and i already ate so it can’t be that. and i don’t have anyone that actually know know what it means to have a mind with a million tabs open and one sound coming from all of them in unsion

“oh! no! oh! no! oh! no!”

and what do i say to the tabs?

“you’re! not! real! you’re! exaggerated!”

and then what? lie because everything in the world is going

“oh! no!”

and me saying it doesn’t make it more or less true?

i hold no power as to the truthness level of a situation, and that scares me more than the actual situation. i’m not sure what to think about that, and i’m not sure if i *can* think, because then it’s like

realize that everything i’m processing and experiencing will always be received by hypersensitive, maxed up senses,

leading to questioning everything i hold dear and i speak up about being actually important or just important to me,

then leading into panicking as the things and people i love don’t get better and don’t get anything at all and the world and the governments and how itchy my left eye is,

then trying to shut my phone off before yet another cry of how the people who need to listen won’t listen and are just trying to maintain order and calm, and how can i blame them when i’m trying to do the exact same thing, but the difference between me and them is i’m actually trying to change for the better and they only want to surpress the cries,

oh the room is cold now, oh, there’s a bag of groceries where the table is, that’s not right, oh no, a million little things are inscrutably different than how they were yesterday and oh no that is not okay, not okay, not okay!

sometimes it ends in a meltdown and sometimes it ends in long periods of feeling nothing after feeling everything for so long

but everything seems to set me off today, like

all the lovely things friends write and put up and share

and all the mean things the outside does and the bills they pass and the doom they bring to make everything great again! no you’re not you just want you to be great again

and that someone brought me crackers and now i feel priveleged because nobody else asked for crackers

and then lonely because nobody else asked and i feel like i can’t go home and i don’t know where home is

and i know that i don’t know but it doesn’t make up for the fact that i don’t know

i want to save the world. and i also want to save myself. and i have to make peace that having both is okay. that i am okay.

that even with all the unokayness it will be okay, because we’re just humans and everything we see is filtered through the confines of our minds, and that’s why when we’re united it doesn’t feel as lonely as it tends to be, but *why* is so much, why is there so much why

why

why

perhaps… perhaps feeling, and caring is a superpower that… that i can’t control yet? and therefore… and therefore the opposite, to be normal, to be apathetic, is my weakness?

but then…

but then…

when does it stop?

~then i try, try to deny, jo~

cherry on top of an already perfect day

Regenwetter - #rain #Regenwetter #paisajeurbano Regenwetter - #rain #Regenwetter

it’s going to rain tonight

so like any normal human being, i walked outside and screamed at the gigantic dark clouds filling the sky “KILL ME”

“PLEASE”

i’m tired okay? okay. i’m tired of interacting with people despite this already tiring thing called quarantine, i’m tired of how the internet lags during functions and graphs because e x c u s e me boi how the heck do you expect me to know that stuff right off the bat, and the third spider crawled in tonight. contrary to popular opinion, i don’t need a physical representation of all the texts i get from my exes. I DON’T. PLEASE. GO.

hgurnjlkrgvfnaeiurgjkn eirugjkn we’re doing jest fine folks, jest fine, step right up and claim your perfect sundae wonderful happy day where your senses are perfectly tuned and your brain isn’t fizzling and everything you process will never be normal because you have no freaking clue how that works and also the salem witch trials only existed because of a malefearignorance dominated world, the same one in which you’d be called a witch for feeling all of this. but replace the w with a b and now you’re the villain.

go fetch your spider, little wicked villain.

oh and the spider is now snooping around the house and if it lands on my violin i do not care what my uncle said i WILL burn this place to the g r o u n d

i mean, is it too much to wish for air conditioning? is that so bad to want?

or for a lightning strike on everyone inviting their friends over to make tiktoks despite the distance part of social distancing, knocking them asleep long enough to belt the last part of good for you? or a salt gun?

can it just rain already?

but i don’t get to control that. i don’t get to send a wind through the house to cool everything down even though sweat and heat are two things that disturb my skin and me. i don’t get air conditioning because those are only in the guest rooms, i don’t get to use the smaller, quieter fan because it’s broken, and i don’t get anyone to suffer with because everyone i care about is on the other side of the world, as we have discussed on here multiple times before and each time i do, i just want to scream and is this too much yet?

My sweet love watch the air raids

As the streets of London are not safe

lightning just crackled

like ripped through the sky

i wish i had that power

to be so deadly, so precise, so concentrated

but i’m not. and that sucks. and i want to go home.

sometimes i really hate my brain. sometimes i really hate feeling everything so much

my sister is like “but jo, you shouldn’t hate your senses, they’re so powerful and they can pick up on everything and they’re special”

and i don’t WANT to be special

i just want RAIN and cOLD and things that don’t FEEL

i want to be okay and i’m not

what a sad first world thing

And I wish that we could escape

As the beat of the drum keeps on its play

it’s raining now.

you know what i don’t care anymore watch me run into it and get hit by lightning

And I long to feel the rain on my face

So I wait, I want the bombs to fade away

okay okay okay that was

that was

cleansing, almost

that was amazing

the LIGHTNING

the smell of wet gravel

the individual drops

the squelch of rubber

have my senses calmed down enough?

maybe?

i’m gonna go listen to ajr and vian izak while i think about this because they g e t it, and i’m gonna look up mathcrash videos, and i’ll have lunch, and i’ll go text my friends, and watch some edits of my favorite people, and i’ll breathe and calm down and cool down and it is going to be okay, and maybe i was just a little storm cloud that needed to rain and hopefully the receiving end of that storm needed the downpour

but ask me to calm down about the spider and i will MURDER you.

that is all.

~will i find my home, will i find my home, my home in you, jo~