ethereal

the sun shines through a foggy pastel sky
burning orange against faint pink and blue
it peeks behind a mountain,
hiding from the ocean in its view.

the rain has been pouring for hours,
wailing in the darkness, crying in the showers
puddles lie in the crevices of the ground
drops falls from leaf to leaf and roll all around.

blue streaked feathers dart amidst the trees
like this place is an early morning sacred sanctuary
a second of peace to be gleaned from the sky
this moment is ethereal, and passes from all unobserving eyes.

i’ve been enjoying watching the storms pour and staring at the clouds for hours on end, hence all the weather poems. idk i just think they’re neat

38.

dew drops on glass panel
  1. when i woke up, it was night.
  2. the roof was quiet as i sprawled on its floor with floor cushions. the wind was blowing freely, and i was glad i was wearing a tank top and shorts. it felt like i was 3 again. maybe i was.
  3. i saw my first shooting star. i didn’t think i’d see one and so i wasn’t looking for one, and there it came. it was one quick moment of glory.
  4. my heart felt restless and empty, so i played ben platt’s concert from radio hall. ben platt is the patron saint of the lonely, the depressed, the anxious, the ones afraid of coming out of their shell, or their closet, or in so many cases both, and i will thank him for that until i can’t breathe.
  5. the power shut out. misfortune.
  6. i grabbed my ukulele and headed back to the roof to compose a sad song and send it to tess. it was cold, again, it was beautiful.
  7. the song did not come into existence because the power miraculously kicked back in. i abandoned the roof and went flippety flop back into the kitchen.
  8. the concert was possibly one of the most beautiful things i have ever seen in my life.
  9. there was a giant crack of lightning outside. it started to rain. water pummeled the floor. instead of cleaning it up like a normal person, i recorded the sound and saved it to an instagram story. because it’s been horrible and hard so wouldn’t we all like to be washed away from this pain and suffering? but also asmr and rain? also rain?
  10. i went back and played the next part where ben platt was talking about being jewish and stealing someone’s harry potter book so he could read it. it was still raining.
  11. i wanted cookies.
  12. my uncle made this huge batch during christmas break. i am single handedly saving them from freezer burn.
  13. i went downstairs to grab a plate and shivered because oh m y g o o d n e s s it was so cold. it felt amazing. i went back upstairs and it felt muggy. did not like that.
  14. something clara told me popped up in my head and i took off my headphones, ran back to the roof, and threw myself in the rain. this is also a ben platt reference because he wrote rain and i was belting it at the top of my lungs in the rain in the night and it just felt so right.
  15. i kicked up puddles. and flew. and tipped my imaginary hat and swung my imaginary umbrella, climbed up to a pole, and drawled “i’m singing in the rain”.
  16. “just singing in the rain” this song was written for tenors.
  17. “what a glorious feeling” i am a mezzo-soprano.
  18. “i’m happy again” i was.
  19. i stepped onto the carpeted pieces of the floor and carefully wiped my flip flops and feet, and then i got the rest of the house dirty by singing “better” and invading the fridge for desserts.
  20. i was waiting for my cookies to warm up and listening to the rest of the concert,
  21. and suddenly i got it.
  22. feeling hurt and grieved by the world and what’s happening, anger and injustice, fighting, war, had all been quelled by joy. by wonder. they were still there, but i was able to embrace them instead of letting them overwhelm me.
  23. and in that moment, i think i felt a little bit of love.
  24. from God? i don’t doubt it. from my friends? the words they sent confirm it. from my family? the one that has chosen to be.
  25. but i also think i felt a little love for myself.
  26. and that feels different.
  27. like now i feel like this love is soaking me completely with determination, with dedication, with whatever it takes for this to infect the world.
  28. hate is strong, yes. hate and insensitivity is terrifying and frightening and damaging and concerning. anger is a gas that smokes lives out, only caring to grow itself. apathy has killed more people than all the wars combined.
  29. but love?
  30. but have you *seen* love?
  31. do you know what love is capable of?
  32. love is so strong it’s the scariest thing to ever exist in the human heart.
  33. it literally does not hesitate. it will stop at nothing to defend the ones it loves, it will fight, it will kick and scream and shout and protest and dance and in all of these violent, passionate, wise, calm, furious ways, flip off hate in all the ways hate wishes it could do, but hate can’t because hate cares about nothing but itself. love forgets itself and jumps into it, love fights and fights and doesn’t. stop.
  34. love comes after you, and either you run away because you refuse to give it or you run toward because you’re desperate for it.
  35. love is the protest, love is sticking up against the evil rulers, and love is dancing in the rain waiting for cookies to finish heating up singing ben platt songs realizing all of this and accepting it for what it is.
  36. and i wish i could look every one of the killers, the murderers, the haters in the eye and laugh in their faces, dousing them with the thing they hate the most.
  37. this will die. this will end. but what fuels us to kill the death before it begins… love? that’s its own force to be feared at all costs.
  38. it’s still night, and i am so ready to go.

~but i believe that love will win, and hate will earn you nothing in the end, jo~

cherry on top of an already perfect day

Regenwetter - #rain #Regenwetter #paisajeurbano Regenwetter - #rain #Regenwetter

it’s going to rain tonight

so like any normal human being, i walked outside and screamed at the gigantic dark clouds filling the sky “KILL ME”

“PLEASE”

i’m tired okay? okay. i’m tired of interacting with people despite this already tiring thing called quarantine, i’m tired of how the internet lags during functions and graphs because e x c u s e me boi how the heck do you expect me to know that stuff right off the bat, and the third spider crawled in tonight. contrary to popular opinion, i don’t need a physical representation of all the texts i get from my exes. I DON’T. PLEASE. GO.

hgurnjlkrgvfnaeiurgjkn eirugjkn we’re doing jest fine folks, jest fine, step right up and claim your perfect sundae wonderful happy day where your senses are perfectly tuned and your brain isn’t fizzling and everything you process will never be normal because you have no freaking clue how that works and also the salem witch trials only existed because of a malefearignorance dominated world, the same one in which you’d be called a witch for feeling all of this. but replace the w with a b and now you’re the villain.

go fetch your spider, little wicked villain.

oh and the spider is now snooping around the house and if it lands on my violin i do not care what my uncle said i WILL burn this place to the g r o u n d

i mean, is it too much to wish for air conditioning? is that so bad to want?

or for a lightning strike on everyone inviting their friends over to make tiktoks despite the distance part of social distancing, knocking them asleep long enough to belt the last part of good for you? or a salt gun?

can it just rain already?

but i don’t get to control that. i don’t get to send a wind through the house to cool everything down even though sweat and heat are two things that disturb my skin and me. i don’t get air conditioning because those are only in the guest rooms, i don’t get to use the smaller, quieter fan because it’s broken, and i don’t get anyone to suffer with because everyone i care about is on the other side of the world, as we have discussed on here multiple times before and each time i do, i just want to scream and is this too much yet?

My sweet love watch the air raids

As the streets of London are not safe

lightning just crackled

like ripped through the sky

i wish i had that power

to be so deadly, so precise, so concentrated

but i’m not. and that sucks. and i want to go home.

sometimes i really hate my brain. sometimes i really hate feeling everything so much

my sister is like “but jo, you shouldn’t hate your senses, they’re so powerful and they can pick up on everything and they’re special”

and i don’t WANT to be special

i just want RAIN and cOLD and things that don’t FEEL

i want to be okay and i’m not

what a sad first world thing

And I wish that we could escape

As the beat of the drum keeps on its play

it’s raining now.

you know what i don’t care anymore watch me run into it and get hit by lightning

And I long to feel the rain on my face

So I wait, I want the bombs to fade away

okay okay okay that was

that was

cleansing, almost

that was amazing

the LIGHTNING

the smell of wet gravel

the individual drops

the squelch of rubber

have my senses calmed down enough?

maybe?

i’m gonna go listen to ajr and vian izak while i think about this because they g e t it, and i’m gonna look up mathcrash videos, and i’ll have lunch, and i’ll go text my friends, and watch some edits of my favorite people, and i’ll breathe and calm down and cool down and it is going to be okay, and maybe i was just a little storm cloud that needed to rain and hopefully the receiving end of that storm needed the downpour

but ask me to calm down about the spider and i will MURDER you.

that is all.

~will i find my home, will i find my home, my home in you, jo~

in which we answer a few questions and cause mayhem before 12 am

in which we answer a few questions and cause mayhem before 12 am

firstly, i’ve been hacked. AGAIN.

jules, yes i have hush.

i make plenty of sense, hush.

HUSH.

anyway.

*nevermind the fact i misspelled this*

*glares at julia*

second, this feels like a very lucid dream. not that that’s a bad thing, but still. because if you told me i was going to be hacked by a best friend i would’ve…

actually that would’ve been normal for some reason but we’re not talking about that for the post.

anna from a storynerd’s life (queen *dies*) tagged the humble *cough* little (well that part’s true) blog, and since i’m stuck with julia (OH COME ON YOU LOVE ME *grins*) for the present time, we’re answering them together. *coughs*

not.. uh.. setting up a bomb. or anything. close though.

ahem.

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What’s a memory from this summer that still makes you smile?

julia: how much time has to pass before it becomes a memory and not the present? though technically today is fall so… i suppose the YWW (young writer’s workshop) conference and all the smufflehugs. *nodnod* all memories from those three days make me smile. and plane rides. those were fun.

jo: terrorizing my sister and frubby. frubby knows who frubby is. also roasting marshmellows over a campfire and getting *cough* HACKED *cough* by julia. it’s still summer here, so there.

Has a stranger made your day before?

julia: i can’t really think of a stranger-stranger making my day but i’ve woken up to really encouraging messages from random writers who i didn’t know very well… but they weren’t technically strangers… though sometimes strangers make me laugh and they don’t know it. people watching is a good hobby. there was that time during the summer bored games where i paid for the guy behind me and his face was priceless and i’ll never forget it.

jo: there was this one time i was riding the bus downtown and this very bored looking mail truck driver pulled up to our bus, so i gave him the sup nod and to my surprise he sup nodded back and then we burst out laughing and then the light turned green and that’s the story of how i had some faith in humanity restored. 😀

What is the funniest thing you’ve done in public?

julia: hands down one of the summer bored game challenges. probably the backwards baseball cap and inside out t-shirt and sunglasses. it was actually at a july fourth concert that my piano instructor conducts and i really hope he didn’t see me. XD

jo: uhhhhhhhhh if you count putting on headphones and air drumming to “high hopes” on a campus, then that was a ton of fun. mostly because everyone who saw me was absolutely confuzzled. no wait that was hamilton uh eheh-

Favorite happy-go-lucky song?

julia: definitely “have it all” by jason mraz. it never fails to make me smile and it’s my magical math song with my twinyayzie (seriously, try listening to it during algebra 2 it’s amazing and i aced my test so yay).

jo: only one *sobs* uhhh…. either “have it all” or “rain” (by ben platt, that guy has a really nice voice it’s not fair but that’s not the point) or “along the way” by the hunts IT’S MY BLOG JULES CHILLAX da people wanna know

What is something/someone that added a little sunshine to your week?

julia: besides the fact that my tripyaylet is sitting next to me? if it had to be something other than that, a special thing with a special someone on friyay. tis a secret. be curious, you’ll never know.

jo: *is going to try to not be curious but fails* ahhh other than frubby being frubby, i got a package from chloe and that made my day, love ya ❤

Sunshine or rain?

julia: rain. unless it’s golden hour. because rain sounds cool and looks cool and FEELS COOL LIKE A REPRIEVE FROM THIS 90 DEGREE WEATHER actually it’s been pretty nice lately but still. rain also makes things greener. and it’s good writing and book weather soooo yepsy. but golden hour is pure magic so sunshine for two hours a day. XD

jo: rain my poor canadian self can’t take the heat *dies*

What person never fails to get a laugh out of you?

julia: oh snap i really hope some people don’t read this but uuuuuhhhh… oh! special person mentioned above. that’s all i’ll say. hehe. cue curious jo.

jo: jules did you really have to– if it isn’t julia, then frubby or bun bun. who are reading, this aren’t they? 😀 (because of they are: SAPS.)

Something you look forward to about this Autumn season?

julia: BOOTS brown boots and black boots and i want gray boots because i love boots and once upon a time i met someone for the first time and one of their first impressions was ‘i didn’t think you were the boot type of person’ but i am so there and this is a run on sentence because we only have a few minutes before lights out SO HURRY JO

jo: it’s going to be cold praise the Maker yayyyy- er, uh, wearing hoodies and having a good reason to 😀

Roller skates, skateboard, or bicycle?

julia: none of the above by far. rollerblades are waaaay superior.

jo: *terrifyingly clutches free spirit, my bike* how could you jules why

youshouldn’talwaysgetthelastwordsohahrollerbladesalwayswin

Favorite wildflower?

julia: queen anne’s lace, it’s so pretty. and it’s also one of the only wildflowers i can think of right off the top of my head and IT’S LIGHTS OUT

jo: yeesh goldenrods are pretty

Why is yellow such a happy color, to you? (or, do you agree that it is a happy color?)

julia: it is the color of lemons and lantana and emojis. it’s bright and cheery and splendific and a primary color which means it’s a happy basis for life. my logic is flawed when it’s late at night, hope that was satisfactory.

jo: yellow is yellow. duh. just kidding, yellow’s happy and cheerful and it reminds me of spring break, that’s why 😀

julia: I JUST REMEMBERED THAT I DON’T LIKE YELLOW BECAUSE IT IS THE COLOR OF SOUTHERN SPRING AKA POLLEN AND I’M ALLERGIC TO IT AND I HATE POLLEN AND POLLEN IS YELLOW what can I say it’s getting later and hurry up and wrap this up before we get in trouble

jo: IT’S YOUR FAULT JULIA

aaaaaaaaaand it is like 10:35 in the p of m and we will literally sign off and honestly this is amazing yet terrifying like i am friends with a hacker this is insane–

~we broke the distance, julia + jo~

because nothing is effortless

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once upon last saturday, i ran six k.

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it should be noted that i wasn’t planning on running six k.

it should also be noted that i don’t consider myself a runner. i can write a mean six k pretty well, and i can cycle six k, and i’m not too shabby on the ice, but actually run six k?

ha.

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but like, i was there, and the little kiddy one mile fun runTM was starting, so i figured i could jog that with no problem. which i could, surprisingly. and plus it did help that my siblings trail run and drag me with them on a weekly basis. and plus it did help that the number of kids running was like, 5, and said kids were all five years old, but that totally wasn’t the point. the point was that it was a mile and i ran it.

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if i just left it at that, we’d be absolutely fine. but alas.

“are you sure you won’t lag behind?” –my sister, seeing me stubbornly walk to the starting line for the official 5k. not that she had to worry. it’s not like i usually ended up jogwalking til i was wayyy behind. of course not. besides, i was gonna be like joe rosenthal and take the next great american picture. photographers don’t have to run that much, right?

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“yeahhh, i’ll be fine!” i said. like a liar. if joe rosenthal could tag along in the war and take pictures, then i definitely could keep up in a 5k race, no problemo.

we started.

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i ran.

it rained.

i walked and played high hopes, but then i had to turn it off because it was messing with my ears and my head was like “sensory overload! sensory overload!”

and then i died. you’re all talking to my ghost now.

yo. it was hard. especially because i got nowhere in my age division AND i kinda ended up by myself on the road AND my feet were screaming AND i got runner’s stitch AND i had to run. get help.

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why am i whining about something that happened a few days ago? mostly because.. because i actually crossed that line.

“CONTRARY TO POPULAR OPINION, I’M ONLY THIRD LAST,” i informed my sister at the finish line, where we both found out that i actually beat a couple of the adults. they were seniors, but it still counted, right? right.

anyway, i’m saying all this because yeah, it hurt, and yeah, i got so tired, and yeah, i was pretty sure i was gonna like, faint of low blood sugar and need an ambulance and yeah, i may not have won any medals. oh, and yeah, i crashed as soon as i got home.

but i crossed that line. that’s my win. nobody can deny me that. and if the people who cheered me on at the checkpoints were any indication, my whoknowswhatthenumberis finish was just as important as the first place finishers.

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i think it’s a lowkey prime mood for life, y’know? we’re all running to something. from something. both. and yeah, my dude, you’re gonna scream into the road a dozen times and die a million more, but you’re gonna get there. you’re gonna get there. as pure benji once said, “winning gives me such a rush”. (wait, that was performing. whatever.) plus, paul and whoever wrote hebrews (probably paul) get me. “therefore since we have so great a cloud of witnesses let us run the race set before us” or something like that? yeah, i get that now.

so wherever you’re running, or jogging, or trying not to die from, just know you’re on the right track. cause nothing is effortless.

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even though you should train like it is, but that’s a story for another time.

let the storm in

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Okay, okay I have a thing with song lyrics being titles.

But no joke, it actually is about to storm. The sky is dark and gray.

AH. THUNDER. Thor’s making a random call, I see. And on Thursday too. Ironic.

To be honest though, I love storms. (er, the non damaging kind, that is.) Storms mean all light gray and dark gray and those colors swirled together, the air smelling different, a whole new tension in the sky, and on the ground, and thunder and lightning-

And then the rain falls.

It’s a sweet relief. It’s scorching outside.

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You can’t control a storm. You can’t tell a storm to do this or that. You can’t schedule an arrangement for Tuesday at 10 am sharp. Storms come and go and just are. You have zero power of a storm.

But you can control how you respond to it.

You can study storms, to protect yourself and others. You can hide from them, which is probably a good thing because self-preservation is sometimes important. Or you can be completely dumb like me and actually go out and get drenched.

I highly suggest not doing the last one.

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Because not everyone has bleary eyes from doing everything and doing nothing, not everyone laughs their heads off at Youtube at 12 am because they can’t sleep and then find actual true comfort in handlettering Psalms even if it’s bad handlettering, not everyone likes how the rain smells and how the drops feel on dry skin and wet cement on bare feet. Not everyone likes dancing in the rain and the wind in their face, not everyone grins when thunder sounds or when lightning strikes, and not everyone can fall asleep in a storm.

Right?

Right.

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Storms bring rain, relief, a sigh of air. A whisper of longing, a hope. A chance to start over new while everything gets washed away, and maybe the world will be the same after the storm ends, but for now it’s new and different and another world entirely.

The world comes together for the big storms. People support each other, protect, send aid. They don’t do that when it’s dry.

People hide in the little storms because… storm. Water. Getting wet. Most of them, anyway.

But I’m tired. I’m tired of hiding, I’m tired of being, I’m tired and I like storms. They’re beautiful things, really, if you poke your head outside.

Are storms scary? uh.. yes. Are they kinda intricately fascinating? also yes.

And do I feel like they’re kinda like how life is? very yes.

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I know Who controls the storms. I know Who controls life. And even when there’s no rhyme or rhythm so therefore no reason to their ways, when it seems like nothing and nobody can control them, and they wreck and rampage on whoever they will, they’re not the masters of their own fate. God is.

By all rights, it shouldn’t make sense. By all rights, it doesn’t make sense. But here we are. You can either hide or just breathe in and enjoy it.

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And I know which one cracks a smile in the end. Which brings some semblance to joy, if you will.

It’s the rain and letting go and being.

So yes, let the storm in.

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I’m already broken, but slowly becoming whole.