until i can’t think

red and white wall with graffiti

“Individuals with ADHD often become quickly immersed in one salient emotion and have problems shifting their focus to other aspects of a situation.”

“For many people with ADHD, the brain’s gating mechanism for regulating emotion does not distinguish between dangerous threats and more minor problems. These individuals are often  thrown into panic mode by thoughts or perceptions that do not warrant such a reaction. As a result, the ADHD brain can’t deal more rationally and realistically with events that are stressful.” – some article i found from ADDitude

“nothing is wrong. everything feels wrong. that’s what’s wrong.” on mental disorders (simple explanation), our favorite weez

well.

that doesn’t make this easier.

if anything, it could very well make this.

worse.

worse like groan a little and rock back and forth for an hour because it would’ve been nice to have known *before* all this happened. stare into the abyss and not imagine dragons waiting to take me away because i still have homework worse. scrolling through instagram and feeling overwhelmed worse. so much worse that it feels scary to address the worse because what if it gets worse

i’m trying the breathing exercises and they’re kinda helping, but they just make me feel dizzy and have a bit of a headache. and i already ate so it can’t be that. and i don’t have anyone that actually know know what it means to have a mind with a million tabs open and one sound coming from all of them in unsion

“oh! no! oh! no! oh! no!”

and what do i say to the tabs?

“you’re! not! real! you’re! exaggerated!”

and then what? lie because everything in the world is going

“oh! no!”

and me saying it doesn’t make it more or less true?

i hold no power as to the truthness level of a situation, and that scares me more than the actual situation. i’m not sure what to think about that, and i’m not sure if i *can* think, because then it’s like

realize that everything i’m processing and experiencing will always be received by hypersensitive, maxed up senses,

leading to questioning everything i hold dear and i speak up about being actually important or just important to me,

then leading into panicking as the things and people i love don’t get better and don’t get anything at all and the world and the governments and how itchy my left eye is,

then trying to shut my phone off before yet another cry of how the people who need to listen won’t listen and are just trying to maintain order and calm, and how can i blame them when i’m trying to do the exact same thing, but the difference between me and them is i’m actually trying to change for the better and they only want to surpress the cries,

oh the room is cold now, oh, there’s a bag of groceries where the table is, that’s not right, oh no, a million little things are inscrutably different than how they were yesterday and oh no that is not okay, not okay, not okay!

sometimes it ends in a meltdown and sometimes it ends in long periods of feeling nothing after feeling everything for so long

but everything seems to set me off today, like

all the lovely things friends write and put up and share

and all the mean things the outside does and the bills they pass and the doom they bring to make everything great again! no you’re not you just want you to be great again

and that someone brought me crackers and now i feel priveleged because nobody else asked for crackers

and then lonely because nobody else asked and i feel like i can’t go home and i don’t know where home is

and i know that i don’t know but it doesn’t make up for the fact that i don’t know

i want to save the world. and i also want to save myself. and i have to make peace that having both is okay. that i am okay.

that even with all the unokayness it will be okay, because we’re just humans and everything we see is filtered through the confines of our minds, and that’s why when we’re united it doesn’t feel as lonely as it tends to be, but *why* is so much, why is there so much why

why

why

perhaps… perhaps feeling, and caring is a superpower that… that i can’t control yet? and therefore… and therefore the opposite, to be normal, to be apathetic, is my weakness?

but then…

but then…

when does it stop?

~then i try, try to deny, jo~

shoulda known this would happen

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what a funky time to be alive.

the fact that i used the word funky in relation to the act of living should concern you.

mmm. what even?

a plastic bowl sits on the counter above me, a few breadcrumbs scattered on its rim. two minutes ago it held the most basic white bread toast with absolutely nothing on it, not because there was nothing else in the raided kitchen from whence it came, but its consumer was too lazy to actually look.

the dress code for quarantine day who knows is as follows‌:‌ one (stolen) oversized, thrice worn shirt found by rummaging through the wash, a pair of shorts that still have intact pockets, whatever fits inside a tired hair tie, and absolutely no respect for societal norms. in previous iterations of this day, some actual thought behind outfits existed, but now that everyone’s pretty much comfortable with everyone else they’re stuck with, nobody pays attention if one wears the same thing three days straight. it’s moreso that they’re happy, well fed, and okay with who they are that matters.

because if you aren’t gonna make peace with yourself, who’s gonna do it for you?

except, you know, everyone on social media, but since when did we use social media as an escape from the current reality of social distancing and a way to make ourselves feel connected even though we all know that this shallow sense of stability dies the instant we leave our phones, because humans are desperate like that? never. totally. we’re better than that, right? our efforts into doing something to bring gratification into our lives hasn’t been reduced to scrolling endlessly on instagram, right? we aren’t capitalizing on this pandemic to boost ourselves, r i g h t?

at this very moment, my phone is about to be invaded with a text to start thinking happy thoughts. i’ve narrowed down the possible senders to my uncle or to the chill group chat. alas. it shall go ignored and (very likely) deleted to cry over stargirl tonight.

it’s hard to be positive about everything when artists are losing jobs and people are dying and despite all of this, the people who should be doing something are too busy tweeting away their ignorance to feel validated. (no, i’m not trying to be subtle.)

it’s hard to know that for all the good i’ve experienced because the world was put on pause, someone’s getting the short end of the stick and they’re getting cut because of a virus that’s taking over the whole dang world. we are in a whack dystopian ya novel, and we don’t seem to acknowledge that because our minds can’t accept anything less than happiness.

but sure, let’s #flatten the curve.

this is cynical, isn’t it? yikes. i’m sorry. i have the ability to fit into an opposing negative mindset without personally agreeing with it and, well, that leads to pointless, intellectual conversations between me and the cat, or texts like the one above, so… i mean, make of that what you will.

otherwise it’s been alright.

no people means i can let my shaky voice echo through the empty lobby and pretend i have something worth saying. nobody around means i can dance my head off on the roof, wind whistling past my headphones as nobody can watch me make a fool out of myself letting the words fall out, dancing around in childish, childlike movements. i can watch the stars at night and the faint planes hopping in and out of constellations without the fear of creepy jerkwads watching me from their rooms. it’s almost freeing to be apart from society. which must say a lot about said society, but we don’t have the emotional health to get into that—

the point is life.

is.

messy.

it’s like the mug cake i made on a whim a week (wait was it a week time is a construct of the matrix) ago, in which i literally just threw flour, sugar, chocolate, and oreo baking crumbs into a mug and threw that into the microwave, and i should’ve thrown the microwave out when the mixture exploded into this sweet, almost edible disaster dessert. there’s so much good and bad and sweet and sour and who-knows-what-those-weird-flecks-are, and to focus on one specific thing is like picking up a crumb and putting it under a microscope.

(what you should get from the above paragraph: life is cake. eat it up.)

and i want to capture all of that, all of that pain, that beauty, as chaotic as it is, because that’s what makes us. that’s life. and there’s so much to be said for living in the moment, no matter what you believe about living or what to live for.

holds it up like that meme ‌i just think it’s neat.

so idk what’s next for this blog. i’d like to branch out some more, bring a sense of depth to even the littlest things, do more reviews, talk about feminism, poke fun at everything possible, do something that would help me develop myself but also, gah, who knows, let someone on the web have a small drop of good in their life?‌ how should i know? i’m a kid, i have homework, i should be practicing, don’t ask me why i’m philosophical today because i do NOT know and that’s FACTS.

uhm.

for the foreseeable future, i’d love to create whatever you’d like to see in, again, this weird worldwide headspace, so please, any topics or things you’re interested in or would like me to talk about, drop below. or just to talk. i’m down for both. @spiritupinsta is also up for anyone who wants some hopefully ‌feel good stuff for the soul (and if you’d like to help run the page, talk to meee), and recently i started @jodoeswords for more fictional pursuits (because again i fall into the struggling and broke artist type pls help) and ultimately?

i’m here. and i hope, somehow, someway, that means something. to. well, anyone.

i think we all do, and that’s why we’re here, trying to reach out in our individuality.

yeah. this got personal fast okay bye

~hey, you’ll be okay, jo~