favorite discographies

it’s the month of writing. and death. and summer.

and music.

and thus, here we are.

(no i would never be able to take any of the following photos, creds to their site or to imdb)


Rob Simonsen Picture

rob simosen is cool. like, really cool. like life of pi and stargirl and love, simon and captive state cool. i first heard his work in gifted last year and it’s been a beautiful symphony of music since.

favorite recent listen: butterfly 1 (chu and blossom)

ryan o’neal, or as you all may know, sleeping at last, has been the composer of my childhood background music, summers, trauma, most of my life really. the work he’s done over the years is just really inspiring and mindblowing (a bunch of shows, films, and ads, atlas, the sleeping at last podcast, to name a few) and his covers and singles are just… hhh. amazing. i’ve been playing many beautiful things and atlas ii on repeat lately, it’s been great.

track that peeks into your soul: two

you should know who alexandre desplat is, he scored a few magical wizard kid films, and also little women. if you don’t, that’s okay, you’re probably familiar with a lot of his work through just classic cinema and maybe the academy awards. i find that interesting about certain artists; you learn to love their art before you even know who the artist is. it’s really fascinating.

best album to burn midnight hours to: probably little women, that’s a whole trip and a half.

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pinar toprak is a breathing genius, and i find it really sad that the film industry and its eager audience sleep on her work and the work of so many other female film composers. we pay a lot of due attention to john williams and hans zimmer, but toprak scored captain marvel, purl, stargirl, krypton, and a ton of other tracks that’s not being recognized nearly as much as it should, which seems off. anyway i just think she’s neat please check her out and go make hollywood actually try for once ty

track that will knock you into finishing that project: i’m all fired up, captain marvel

 Braille Focus / LeBrun S. Jackson Digital Artistry

tamar-kali has a really cool vibe with her work that i stumbled on listening to the spotify mixes at like, four am one time and it’s really entrancing and invigorating and just. ahh. really great get lost in your head music.

something vaguely different yet familiar: mudbound. like. all of it.

terence blanchard‘s sound in blackkklansmen was so chillingly fun, and harriet equaled if not beat that standard of musicality. i could easily get lost in those sounds for hours. a tale of God’s will and flow are some of my favorites. at this point i’m just geeking out about all of this but then i suppose i have good reason to.

the track that Will force you to stop and go “wow”: goodbye song, harriet

The Peanut Butter Falcon

this one was a collab and i don’t remember everyone by name, but this one is just,, so– idk what the world is, euphoria inducing? clara shared it a while ago and it’s quickly become one of my favorites and then i want to go watch the movie which leads to another rant nobody asked for so i’ll stop right there, but if you ever feel like wandering and being home at the same time, give this a listen.

the “i want” song you’d hear on the radio going to the lake and never being able to forget: running for so long (house a home)

is this a nerd thing to do? perhaps. but i can’t think of a new month or a new season or anything new and exciting without music, and well, these artists make amazing music. so. that’s that.

anyway okay that’s it byee

~time moves fast now, like tires on the road/but i don’t mind it, i always dreamed to go/the long nights over, and i’m starting to believe/i’m not as broken as some made me out to be, jo~

let me tell you now

It is the calm water
In the middle of an anxious sea
Where heavy clouds part and the sunrise starts
A fire in the deepest part of me
So I let go and in this moment I can breathe


Out of the woods, out of the dark
I’m well aware of the shadows in my heart
I want to feel tectonic shifts
I want to be, I want to be astonished
I want to be astonished
So I propose a toast
To fists unraveling, to glass unshattering
To breaking all the rules, to breaking bread again
We’re swallowing light, we’re swallowing our pride
We’re raising our glass, ’til we’re fixed from the inside
‘Til we’re fixed from the inside


In case you don’t live forever, let me tell you now
I love you more than you’ll ever wrap your head around
In case you don’t live forever, let me tell you the truth
I’m everything that I am because of you


Don’t be scared, it’s alright
It’s a weight you are not meant to shoulder
But you bear so much light
And it’s brighter each day we get older
And I know that you’re broken too
But you are a sacrament
God has spoken through
He’s spoken through you


Go on, leave your worries, too
Not a bit of good they do
There’s a word that’s coming through
Go on, leave your worry, too
So I call your name in the middle of the night
I wanna know can you hear my cries?
June heat and moonlight
I wanna follow you
Said I wanna follow you


Can’t you see older brother
A life spent learning to walk
Finally starting to run
You have been vindicated
You had the answer all along
I can see it now
Your journey will inspire many other
Sisters and brothers
Hold on
Vincent
You’ve carried me more than you’ll ever know


i compiled this for my sister, but since this month is supposed to have father’s day or whenever that is, i thought i’d leave this here for everyone whose father figure isn’t stereotypical, or even has one.

~i can see it, a new horizon, jo~

everything all at once, i suppose

i have never made sense, i never will, don’t worry too much about it

sick Archives - Reaction GIFs

it’s

MY

breakdown and

I

get to choose the level of teenage angst

*i n h a l e s*

hi! i’m jo! i identify as a moron, allergies include shrimp, dust mites, and the whole world apparently, unaddressed depression Thriving, and you’re watching

*THE SAD TACO TRUCK FIRE CHANNEL*

where nothing, and i can’t stress this clearly enough, nothing, goes right

featuring! war! bloodshed! government invasion of privacy! the beginnings of trauma! my nonexistent sanity! and most importantly, pizza with pineapple on it!

have f u n with That, Kids!


when i die say something nice
wear comfy pajamas and bring fried rice
watch all the instagram stories i set to private
the things i’ve only said in the silence

when i die please gather round
pretend i was a memory you won’t throw out
wipe your tears and blow your nose
forget about it all when you go

when i die if i ever called you friend
do me a favor and for an hour pretend
that the person you came to grieve
actually made any mark in the light of eternity


my pinterest feed seems to worry about me and i admire that very much

like lately it’s been full of angry twitter posts and tumblr rants that cry for the dystopian protagonists to begin saving the day and like, can we handle that rn? nope

so now it has art of fantastical places and edits and happy comics and baking recipes and room inspiration and laugh out loud trashposts and all of this grossly domestic vibe which is super sweet but i wouldn’t ever say that if my life depended on it (nevermind that i just did)

the question is is it pinterest,

or is it the people who i follow that saved me from stressing over another source of bad news

either way, thank you


the following is a snippet of something i sent in to select friends, enemies, and undecided, and i figured it fit with the crack vibes this is emanating, so here you go

"i cannot talk very well. 
especially to big macho guys. 
especially if said big macho guy had seen me successfully hurl a knife into a palm tree and cackle like a stereotypical witch 
(more on that later.)
"a n x i et yyyyy"
"jo:
nightguard:
jo: AGHHH HUMAN"

i figured this out last night watching the storm beat down on the windows and honestly it passes the vibe check

my greatest fear is being irrelevant

insignificance

and i wonder why, you know? is it a mental thing to feel everything more deeply than they’re meant to be? is it just me? could i just inherently not be good enough for anyone to want to interact? will i be doomed to leaving people too stunned to react?

and i don’t know
how would i

what is the point of art if nobody sees it? what is the purpose of a message that isn’t heard? why say anything if nobody listens? why exist if it ultimately doesn’t matter?

and i struggle with reminding myself that things don’t require a useful purpose to be loved, and that is Okay, like how technically nobody needs nutella but the world would be a dismal place without it

and perhaps insignificance isn’t a horror, because then when you do anything nobody can say “but you’re supposed to be meaningful!” because you never were to begin with
so you can just reply, “no, i’m being me” and that’s the best meaningful you can get


so here’s the thing

we’ve saying “black lives matter” seriously for a couple of weeks now and the message has been cried out for literal years

and yet, the overwhelming response seems to be “we Know, Stop Saying It :((”

and that’s frustrating

people being hurt without reason is frustrating. the hurters getting away with it is frustrating. the people who were supposed to help about it doing the exact opposite is frustrating. being ignored and being rejected and being laughed at and being forgotten is frustrating.

so no wonder people shout

just all that to say

harm can be passive


a m i n i p la y l i s t

it would be you – ben rector
so will i – ben platt
battle cry – the family crest
paper rings – taylor swift
king of anything – sara barielles


a self portrait

“don’t we look m a r v e l o u s, isn’t it g a y” – talkfine
(look colors)


oooh some beautiful people did some beautiful things lately:

look it’s weez!

evelyn seems so cool

sarah cracked me up

ahhh clara


and finally some closing notes:

  • it’s summer
  • if you look up june 13 2019 and june 13 2020 on here they’re both drastically different but about the same thing
  • it’s summer!!
  • for independence day everyone should watch hamilton and reconsider their heritage (and also donate to a charity of their choice)
  • look up juneteenth and be still for a moment
  • google baby ducks tripping over their feet
  • call enni a duck in her about page on the 27th (pls i’m not kidding)
  • summer!!
  • remember it’s june love who you love and also respect people’s pronouns
  • do something absolutely horribly stupidly childishly fun that screams summer because yes

⎯  𝘱𝘪𝘯𝘵𝘦𝘳𝘦𝘴𝘵 : @𝘱𝘢𝘷𝘭𝘹𝘷𝘦 🔮 * ·゚

~we’re all a little mad sometimes, jo~

38.

dew drops on glass panel
  1. when i woke up, it was night.
  2. the roof was quiet as i sprawled on its floor with floor cushions. the wind was blowing freely, and i was glad i was wearing a tank top and shorts. it felt like i was 3 again. maybe i was.
  3. i saw my first shooting star. i didn’t think i’d see one and so i wasn’t looking for one, and there it came. it was one quick moment of glory.
  4. my heart felt restless and empty, so i played ben platt’s concert from radio hall. ben platt is the patron saint of the lonely, the depressed, the anxious, the ones afraid of coming out of their shell, or their closet, or in so many cases both, and i will thank him for that until i can’t breathe.
  5. the power shut out. misfortune.
  6. i grabbed my ukulele and headed back to the roof to compose a sad song and send it to tess. it was cold, again, it was beautiful.
  7. the song did not come into existence because the power miraculously kicked back in. i abandoned the roof and went flippety flop back into the kitchen.
  8. the concert was possibly one of the most beautiful things i have ever seen in my life.
  9. there was a giant crack of lightning outside. it started to rain. water pummeled the floor. instead of cleaning it up like a normal person, i recorded the sound and saved it to an instagram story. because it’s been horrible and hard so wouldn’t we all like to be washed away from this pain and suffering? but also asmr and rain? also rain?
  10. i went back and played the next part where ben platt was talking about being jewish and stealing someone’s harry potter book so he could read it. it was still raining.
  11. i wanted cookies.
  12. my uncle made this huge batch during christmas break. i am single handedly saving them from freezer burn.
  13. i went downstairs to grab a plate and shivered because oh m y g o o d n e s s it was so cold. it felt amazing. i went back upstairs and it felt muggy. did not like that.
  14. something clara told me popped up in my head and i took off my headphones, ran back to the roof, and threw myself in the rain. this is also a ben platt reference because he wrote rain and i was belting it at the top of my lungs in the rain in the night and it just felt so right.
  15. i kicked up puddles. and flew. and tipped my imaginary hat and swung my imaginary umbrella, climbed up to a pole, and drawled “i’m singing in the rain”.
  16. “just singing in the rain” this song was written for tenors.
  17. “what a glorious feeling” i am a mezzo-soprano.
  18. “i’m happy again” i was.
  19. i stepped onto the carpeted pieces of the floor and carefully wiped my flip flops and feet, and then i got the rest of the house dirty by singing “better” and invading the fridge for desserts.
  20. i was waiting for my cookies to warm up and listening to the rest of the concert,
  21. and suddenly i got it.
  22. feeling hurt and grieved by the world and what’s happening, anger and injustice, fighting, war, had all been quelled by joy. by wonder. they were still there, but i was able to embrace them instead of letting them overwhelm me.
  23. and in that moment, i think i felt a little bit of love.
  24. from God? i don’t doubt it. from my friends? the words they sent confirm it. from my family? the one that has chosen to be.
  25. but i also think i felt a little love for myself.
  26. and that feels different.
  27. like now i feel like this love is soaking me completely with determination, with dedication, with whatever it takes for this to infect the world.
  28. hate is strong, yes. hate and insensitivity is terrifying and frightening and damaging and concerning. anger is a gas that smokes lives out, only caring to grow itself. apathy has killed more people than all the wars combined.
  29. but love?
  30. but have you *seen* love?
  31. do you know what love is capable of?
  32. love is so strong it’s the scariest thing to ever exist in the human heart.
  33. it literally does not hesitate. it will stop at nothing to defend the ones it loves, it will fight, it will kick and scream and shout and protest and dance and in all of these violent, passionate, wise, calm, furious ways, flip off hate in all the ways hate wishes it could do, but hate can’t because hate cares about nothing but itself. love forgets itself and jumps into it, love fights and fights and doesn’t. stop.
  34. love comes after you, and either you run away because you refuse to give it or you run toward because you’re desperate for it.
  35. love is the protest, love is sticking up against the evil rulers, and love is dancing in the rain waiting for cookies to finish heating up singing ben platt songs realizing all of this and accepting it for what it is.
  36. and i wish i could look every one of the killers, the murderers, the haters in the eye and laugh in their faces, dousing them with the thing they hate the most.
  37. this will die. this will end. but what fuels us to kill the death before it begins… love? that’s its own force to be feared at all costs.
  38. it’s still night, and i am so ready to go.

~but i believe that love will win, and hate will earn you nothing in the end, jo~

finish the song – letter writer

I wish I could just write all this in a letter to you. I feel like if letter-writing were still allowed then I would still have a way to legitimately talk to you, not just these conversations I have...

ay

we’re back at this again.

not really sure where it came from, but here’s letter writer.

uh

enjoy


dear God let’s have a conversation
i’m just tired of waiting for an invitation
there’s been more thorns than colorful carnations
did you have a plan or was that just my imagination

dear God where are you supposed to be
are you only over the oceans or do you rule the seas
because i’m slowly drowning and it isn’t even deep
but would you believe that i feel like i’m free

yeah, the world is burning did you have a clue, have a clue
we’re all hurting and no one knew, no one knew
is this a tunnel we’re supposed to walk through
so tell me, how the hell, am i supposed to trust you?

forgive the cursing, sometimes i’m inclined
to bring out the sin and my much needed pride
that isn’t holy i realize
but that’s a situation in which you thrive, right?

you’re aware of the growing mess
pick out my flaws and i’ll burn the rest
something tells me though that you know best
who am i to argue when you created this


do i know where that came from? nah

do i hope it meant something worthwhile? yeah

is that really all i can say about this? pretty much

~with shortness of breath, i’ll explain the infinite, jo~

rose and jo take on the playlist swap

r e a d i n s i t e t y

We should do a playlist collab
Like Enni

yes yes

and that’s your intro folks.


Songs for Jo:

  1. used to you-mxmtoon 

I discovered mxmtoon last year and I’ve gotten Jo to listen to a few of her songs, because I think they’ll really relate to them. I know I for sure can. Personally, I’m obsessed with the intro to this song and I think it’s overall super cute and soft and relatable and ah. I love it. So so much. 

help help help help it’s soft and pure and safe and almost lullaby-ish? i love it. the ending and the beginning were almost ethereal in a playful sort of way. i’d listen to that on a midnight playlist on repeat for ages.

  1. hope is a dangerous thing for a woman like me to have-but I have it-Lana Del Rey

Lana Del Rey has a super unique voice/vocal style which *smol disclaimer* is not for everyone. I picked this one because Jo said something on their livestream (go listen to it) which reminded me of the chorus. The storyline is interesting and it gives off musical vibes. And Jo loves musicals. So overall, this is a great song for that. Smol disclaimer to anyone else who might want to listen to this: it’s explicit, so please be mindful of that. 

wow. the lyrics in this are so real. the harmonies and echoes in here are beautiful, and just everything in this. goodness. it really sings like a bittersweet ballad. i’d absolutely listen to this again. it’s almost a journal entry that everyone’s written at one point in their lives. 

  1. 400 Lux-Lorde

Lorde is a newer favorite artist of mine, but I remain obsessed. I love the background vocal part of the chorus (I don’t know how else to describe it). It makes the song so incredible. I’ve been listening to it constantly because it (I guess) reminds me of young love and human interaction, which are, at least where I live, harder to come by.  It’s very YA contemporary/teen movie which are things Jo loves. I almost cried when I first heard it because of how beautiful it is. 

the synth! i like it already. lorde’s voice is oddly soothing, and all the different textures in this song is so fascinating. absolutely a bop. honestly all of these picks feels like someone peeked into my mind and turned them into songs. i’m really loving the ya vibe and the funky emo sounds.

  1. Colors-Halsey

Okay I’ve heard this song once but all the color metaphors? Everything is blue? Everything is gray? It has been stuck in my head since I heard it and I need to ensure it’s stuck in someone else’s head too. The songwriting is really beautiful and it’s amazing how much emotion is conveyed. It’s one of those sadder songs that sound happy, so yeah. Enjoy.

rage pop? we stan. the wanderlustyoungadultsondering vibes are really strong with this. also i love how bold the lyrics are— and the siren sounds in the background? that sounds like something finneas would do *looks it up* doesn’t look like he did, but the sounds in this mix so beautifully. and the colors are too accurate help. 

  1. Style-Taylor Swift

No song rec list I make can exist without me mentioning my brand. Taylor Swift. I recently found out I was sleeping on this incredible amazing song that will (sorry) never go out of style. It’s so upbeat. It’s so classy. It is the perfect pop song and it deserves an honorary Grammy for being so incredibly amazing. 

help i’m bobbing my head so hard. rose always picks the best recs. this song just feels all the feels, and taylor’s lyrics??? are??? too relatable despite never actually being in the situation she sings about? also the drums are great here. i could listen to this for a while and not get tired. watch me dance in line at the airport to this a month from now. 

my favorite: 400 Lux


Songs for Rose:

  1. The Starry Night – Starry Musical

i’ve been listening to this album on repeat for weeks, and i think rose would like this because– where to even begin? it (and the whole album) is based on the story of vincent van gogh and his hopes and dreams and struggle. everytime i listen to it there’s this small yearning for something i don’t even know, and i’d hope it’d be the same for rose.

I was really hoping Jo’d put something from Starry on here. I’ve been meaning to take a listen, so this is the perfect excuse. Okay wow. Um. That was beautiful. The lyricism? Amazing. I totally see what Jo means about the yearning feeling and I am now going to drop everything and obsess over this musical. I love the softness about it and the self discovery. 

  1. I’m Not Here – Me + T

i listened to this one obsessively since the movie came out a year ago, and it’s the perfect mix of sad and hopeful that you play on repeat in your room, alone at night when nobody’s there for you. probably couldn’t have coped if i wasn’t listening to this 24/7.

Why is Jo doing this to me? Too many feelings, I cannot cope. This is certainly the type of sad song I like. So quiet and heartfelt. There is so much depth to the song. Immediately adding this to my list of songs that make me cry, so I cannot listen to them properly. And the harmonies?! *Sobs softly*

  1. Rain – Ben Platt

ben platt is one of my favorite artists, and this song really defined my summer. it’s poppy and upbeat and kinda forces you to dance and breathe and try to live despite all the fears and worries. it’s what i wish i could say to the people who meant the most to me. 

This could easily be on the soundtrack to a Disney Channel show. I wasn’t the biggest fan of the production or the voice (In general I’m not the biggest fan of male singing voices) but the lyrics and beat were super cool. 

4. Armor – Sara Bareilles

one of the things rose and i have connected over is female empowerment, and this song embodies that in such a raw, rough, real, radiant way (yes i used alliteration. fight me.) it honors the women who have gone before, the women of now, and the women of the future, and i can’t think of anything quite as inspiring. 

Um wow. Her voice is so raw? I love the unique production and the message and the lyrics and wow I love this. How did I not know about this song before? The empowerment? The feminism vibes? The sense of community? Completely in love with this. 

  1. mother tongue – liana flores

this song kinda puts the feeling of cultural dysphoria to words, and it’s something that i’ve lived with for so long, growing up in 3 cultures and learning everything and nothing from them, and i think it’s something everyone can relate to regardless of whether they were immigrants or not. so i hope i’m right. 🙂

Is this indie ukulele music?! Yes my other brand. The whole song is super cool and echoey. I could relate to this one a lot. As someone who has a lot of strained family relationships and a sense of never belonging culturally to anywhere, I really felt it. I can’t wait to listen to more of Liana’s music because I know I’ll really like it. 

My favorite: mother tongue


you may have noticed that this theme of trading playlists isn’t original with us. and you’d be absolutely right. emily & joy, kenechi & sarah, clara & megan, and most recently enni & diamond have all done collabs like this, so go check them out if you’re looking for music to listen to. or you could drop your favorite recs like we did, which would be equally worthwhile.

in the meantime, i’ll be playing lorde on repeat this week and probably spamming rose with how much i regret not listening to taylor swift sooner, as you do.

~so dance along to the beat in your heart, rose & jo~

sometimes i don’t know what to say (can you imagine that)

Image result for waving gif
listen sometimes featured images are so boring

hey, what up?

if you say the ceiling i swear to asgard you will be met with the power of a thousand capri suns.

fear meeeeeee

but yeah, so there’s not much from my corner of the world today. that’s not to say that i’ve run out of ideas or thoughts or chaotic plans to take over kansas, but it is saying that i just… don’t have the words.

it’s saturday (no jo it’s whatever day this gets posted you ninny), okay? my uncle forced me to go interact with humans at the local fiesta and i skinned my favorite hand and knee on the bike but the music was a bop and then the tiny scrappy neighbor girl down the street came over and stole my phone and then my friend came over and we rewatched the trailer to high school musical the musical the series and she rode a bike for the first time and nobody saw it on this long, quiet street except a jo and a jin jin and an outdated phone, and then we found out the cat ate the last of the chocolate.

life is life. and sometimes i want to let it be.

i don’t know how to express that, because when i do *gestures to all of this* this.. whatever this is, i tend to accidentally stir up something.

so i don’t know how to let things be.

but here’s a song or two, and maybe we can have a small fiesta of our own, in which we quietly jam to music because we don’t wanna disturb the neighbors, and someone brought the good storebrand of cookies.

🙂

don’t shy away from the rainbow, this song was written for everyone, regardless of who they are

There’s something wrong in the village In the village, oh

They stare in the village

In the village, oh

There’s nothing wrong with you

It’s true, it’s true

There’s something wrong with the village

With the village

There’s something wrong with the village

I know you miss the world, the one you knew

The one where everything made sense

Because you didn’t know the truth, that’s how it works

‘Til the bottom drops out and you learn

We’re all just hunters seeking solid ground

this is NOT 2000s this is 2020 lighten up

If I could go back and change the past, be a little braver than I had and bet against the odds, would I still be lost?

Even if I woke up in my dreams, would there still be something I’m missing, If I had everything, would it mean anything to me?

okay listen “have my moms talk to her mom” is absolutely chaotic and a total mood

I wish these streets were still enough for me

I wish this town could give me everything

But I still feel stopped while every light turns green

Why can’t I let it go?

You are here

On the start of a moment

On the edge of the world where the river meets the sea

Here on the edge of the Atlantic

On an island in between there and here

gracie m you know you’re awesome right

Overconfident

We could use a little bit of common sense

We jumped in the river at 2 am

Just to prove that we could

honestly this has given me so much during the waits at the airports

There’s something in the way I wanna cry

That makes me think we’ll make it out alive

So come on and show me how we’re good

I think that we could do some good, mhm

my cousin (I have a lot of cousins) had this on her phone during hurricane ursula and it’s the best accident ever

Time flies by in the yellow and green

Stick around and you’ll see what I mean

There’s a mountain top that I’m dreaming of

If you need me, you know where I’ll be

And if the sun’s upset and the sky goes cold

Then if the clouds get heavy and start to fall

I really need somebody to call my own

I wanna be somebody to someone

because i miss hanging out

so favorite song? recent book? *cough recent fanfiction yeah i know you were stalking archive of our own you little geek* best thing today? what you hope for this month? secret plan to get disney plus to accidentally release their marvel shows on mainstream tv?

also new rule that you have to come back to this post and comment on someone else’s comment because i am like my uncle and require human interaction from you 🙂

be friendly folks, it’s a cold world out there.

~or call me maybe, cause i kinda love that song, jo~

to little grey music player

to little grey music player.png

i remember the day i got you, because we were about to leave california and joab really really really wanted a music player because he always liked tech and you were 30 dollars and it was a deal and i guess technically you were my brother’s.

you came with and switched through so many genres, klove and christian rock and metal and i’m sorry for all the different identities.

joab didn’t want you anymore, then, but i did. i guess i was always good at saving junk and turning it into treasure.

you were kinda like a security blanket, little grey music player, the way you never failed to be there. during my happiest days, my worst moments, the days i wanted to die and the nights i thought i could live forever. you were a very steady piece of metal. i loved you, little music player.

i’m so sorry i lost you in the mall waiting for official important business to be over. i coulda sworn you were in my pocket, but i guess i’d be swearing wrong. i’m really good at losing the stuff i love, you see.

i hope nobody chucks you in the trash, tiny guy. i hope whoever picked you up didn’t grimace at the musicals and dodie and nf and owl city that filled you up. i hope you were turned on, with special care, your ben platt playlist carefully listened to. i hope someone finds a charger for you, and takes good care, and loves you just as much as i did. i’m sorry i didn’t love you enough to notice you gone til it was too late.

it feels silly, little player, writing to something that never breathed. but you were part of me for so long, and i tend to remember the things that made my life beautiful- or their absence, more like.

have fun, little player. don’t get picked up by an adult. they never see the magic of things that are lost. find a little kid. they’ll take care of you.

and maybe, through listening to the music that made me, they’ll find themselves too. wouldn’t that be nice, grey music player?

see you later, little guy. i really loved you so.

~take all the chances you can, it’s alright, jo~

just close your eyes

just close your eyes.png

i talk too much.

i like talking, but sometimes…

sometimes there really isn’t anything good that can come out of my mouth.

aka i’m tired and hence the lack of quality. we’re all tired. but that’s okay. you can come in, the world is quiet here.

so please, if you will, enjoy the songs that say it better than i ever could.

roll film 🙂

I used to sing with gusto in the crowd

Now I’m scared I’ll get the melody wrong

But they say it’s in the breath you take before you sing it out

that makes you hear the most beautiful song.

Hey!
I know we’ve both been afraid
But we can’t run from the wind and the thunder
When we’re dancing under the rain, the rain, the rain

She’s imperfect, but she tries
She is good, but she lies
She is hard on herself
She is broken and won’t ask for help
She is messy, but she’s kind
She is lonely most of the time
She is all of this mixed up and baked in a beautiful pie
She is gone, but she used to be mine

Please don’t go away
Please don’t go away
Please don’t go away
Is this how it’s supposed to be
Is this how it’s supposed to be

On my supersonic rocket ship
Nobody has to be hip
Nobody needs to be out of sight. Out of sight.
Nobody’s gonna travel second class
There’ll be equality
And no suppression of minorities. Well alright.
We’ll take this planet, shake it round
And turn it upside down.
My supersonic rocket ship.

What about us?
What about all the times you said you had the answers?
What about us?
What about all the broken happy ever afters?
Oh, what about us?
What about all the plans that ended in disaster?
Oh, what about love? What about trust?
What about us?

skip to 7:12 for the song

We don’t fit in well
We are just ourselves
I could use some help
Gettin’ out of this conversation, yeah
You look stunning, dear
So don’t ask that question here

But now the day bleeds
Into nightfall
And you’re not here
To get me through it all
I let my guard down
And then you pulled the rug
I was getting kinda used to being someone you loved

I know this probably isn’t really realistic
And honestly, I might not ever make a difference
But that don’t make a difference, I’ma have to risk it
I been crunchin’ numbers, you ain’t gotta be a mathematician
To see the odds ain’t rootin’ for me
I can’t lie though, it’s kinda how I like it to be
The underdog, yeah, you probably think you know what I mean
But what I’m saying is they ever push me, I’m gonna swing, yeah

After all these years
I would’ve thought all my fears were laid to rest
But I still get scared
And I thought that all my struggles
Would be victories by now, but I confess
That the mess is there

(just so we’re clear, i’m dealing positively with remaining emotional trauma and i am NOT invested in anything/one romantically.

y’know.

in case you got ideas.

thank you 🙂 )

~the sun is going down, you’ll be alright, no one can hurt you now, jo~

and i’m just tired

and i'm just tired.png

No more fiction.

*sighs* It’s nice to be back. Especially since you can only tell so much in the realm of once upon a time. It’s weird though, since t e c h n i c a l l y I wasn’t really gone but… it’s been interesting, okay?

Pananaw Divider

Hi, it’s Jo, and you’re reading Late Night Rambles That Never End In Coherency. I’m your host, Jo the Semi Sorta Not Okay Confused Aloe Vera Plant. (I identify as an aloe vera plant now. I am still a yellow bird, just like life is still confusing.)

See, life is interesting. One day you’re trying to figure out how to make it through a day, and the next day you have to plan for four years. There’s a bit of a gap between a day and a year, but we make it work. Somehow.

The trick is how to express all of that without info-dumping, which I’ve never been a master of.

But I’m tired. I’ve been writing and planning and working and hoping and dreaming and falling and accidentally whacking a pole with a notebook because I thought it was an intruder and trying to pick up soggy papers, listening to NF (that’s it I’m a confirmed edgy person) and rapping His Story and Hamilton and having to explain my music choices to various individuals and getting stuck listening to BTS and then being left alone with my sole companion my MP3 player and meeting people I never thought I’d meet and on one hand this is something that’s never happened in life before and on the other hand this is all a normal Tuesday.

That was a reference. Credits aren’t mine.

And yet at the same time… there’s a lot of things to be grateful for, y’know? I mean, there’s life, but it’s the things in it. Krispy Kreme donuts. “Take as you will!” signs. Hugs. Lots of hugs. Ice cream with pretzels in them. Voice acting. SDCC. (OKAY OKAY TANGENT I WAS IN PUBLIC WHEN I WAS WATCHING THE MARVEL COMIC CON PANELS AND I LEGIT WAS SCREAMING SO LOUD A BUNCH OF PEOPLE ASKED IF I WAS OKAY MARVEL FANDOM HOW WE FEELING also I kid you not, when the cast for Shang-Chi came up I like… couldn’t breathe. I don’t think a lot of people realize how important representation is and this is so weirdly validating to know someone who looks like me is getting a role and that might sound selfish but I haven’t felt this encouraged in legit years okay tangent over let’s go 2020) 

Air conditioning. Ukuleles. Names. People who care. Grammar. Delta cookies. They’re delicious. Dreams. Reality, occasionally. NF released an album. johnbcrist is hilarious and I don’t even know if I spelled his name right. Chikfila. Late night laughter. Gifted the movie + soundtrack. There’s just so much life to be lived and when you’re me, that’s a big deal.

Although, when you’re you, that’s also a big deal too. 😉

I wish I could be that blogger that’s writing this epic book on the side while being a radiant beam for the Lord! But I’m not. As for book, that’s sorta kinda existing idek and writing? It’s getting there. But it’s not epic. It’s not a book. It’s soft and simple and unusually emotional and it’s really not meant for a platform. I’m just putting it out there like the donuts. “Take as you will!” And honestly, who wouldn’t love to be a radiant beam– if not for the Lord, at least for somebody, right? But I can’t be that either. (Wow. So shocking.) I… I exist, on the human level. And I try, okay? I try. It’s tiring.

It’s also sadly really self-centered, and for that I apologize. Content is rather hard to create that’s not up close, and the details of mine aren’t really that pretty.

But I just wanted to pop in and say thanks for liking it so far, and just validating that if you’re tired… that’s still a good thing. You’ve lived a lotta life.

There’s still so much more to be lived.

So get out there and avoid the bugs. *thumbs up*

Pananaw Signoff